KEY POINTS
> Letting go of expectations helps us live the version of life that we want for ourselves.
> Feeling guilty can be avoided by moving away from the people who want different path for us
> Perfectionism can be harnessed by focusing on what we want instead of relying on feedback from others
> Talking positively to ourselves enables us to achieve our goals
> The shoulds and musts in life hurts us and prevent us from reaching our potentials
Letting go of expectations
How to let go of expectations from us is a question we all want answers to. The life version that other people think we should have for ourselves is most of the time being pushed on us. This may lead to anxiety and depression especially when we do not meet what they were expecting. Moreover, failing the life we should be living according to others makes us feel like a failure and eventually leads to depression and a feeling of lost.
Vivian Manning-Schaffel, a multifaceted storyteller who wrote for online publications such as The Cut and NBC News Better wrote about how telling ourselves “should be”s is somehow flagellating and shaming ourselves.
After reading her article that has links to other writings and blogs about the topic around the negative impact of excessive “should” talks, it made me think about living driven by society’s expectations. The “musts” in life may be setting boundaries for us to be able to do what we really want to do. The expectation may be creating limitations for us and preventing us to live our lives how we want to.
So, how do we stop thinking about it? What could we do to eliminate these expectations and be free from the shackles of society’s perception of what we should be? How could we live the version of life we want to have without worrying about the “shoulds” and the “musts” of life?
How to stop feeling guilty
Stop thinking about it. As simple as that sounds, it is more difficult to do. The more we consciously say to forget about it, the more it surfaces in our minds and become aware of it. Trying not to think of something makes me think of it more.
The sense of guilt comes from not being able to do what was expected from us by the people whom we treasure and deem important in our lives. Keeping in mind that the version of life they want us to have may have stemed from multiple factors such as their own dreams not being realized, a life struggle they do not want us to experience, or as hurtful as expecting us to be someone they could be proud of in their community.
With our respect, admiration, and love for those people, we feel guilt when we do something else. Living differently from what they expect us to be could put us in the middle of disappointing them and not enjoying what we set out to do.
It would be easy to say that the way to let go of expectations and not be guilty is to talk to them. Having a discussion to have an understanding of what we would really want for our lives will help but of course, this does not happen to all people. An average person would have an argument, hurt any relationship, and further increase the feeling of guilt. Again, this could lead to anxiety and depression.
But what if we just do not care? What if we just do what we want to do in our lives different from what is expected from us? What if we just push forward and break the limiting shackles of expectations?
I think it can be done but the first step would be to move away. Move away from the people who expect you to become what they want. Move away from anyone who says what type of person you should be or what life you should have. Changing the people around you may enable you to be free from the guilt and push forward in achieving what life you want to have.
It may ruin your relationship. So what? Hopefully, that is just temporary. Once you have accomplished what you want, you can come back and rebuild your relationship. Remember, is is your life, not theirs. So, guilt is not going to help you.
How to overcome perfectionism
No one’s perfect. An age-old saying. Still, we all strive to be perfect in some way. From the way we dress to the way we eat, various aspects of our lives are being judged by us and our aim is to be perfect.
When you look around in your life, most of the time the idea of perfectionism is not an internal measurement but rather external. Other people’s feedback and comments about how we live our lives makes us to strive to be someone who people consider perfect. This has only been aggravated by social media. Comparing ourselves to others is a measurement we all do to know how better we are and how perfect we are in relation to someone else’s life.
But when we focus on what we want to do, we can actually channel an internal measurement of perfectionism. Though knowing what we want in life is challenging enough and a road we are all trying to find. Once we find it, it is a matter of taking that journey and blocking any noise that we hear from comments and feedback we receive along the way.
Do not get me wrong. Feedback is a good thing. It can help us assess the actions we take and determine if it is the right one towards achieving the life we want. It becomes detrimental for us when we take it as it is without understanding if it is necessary or will it help us achieve what we want in life.
Our definition of perfectionism should revolve around the meaning we put into it, not what other dictates. A perfect life for others may not be the perfect life for us. Establishing that first and being disciplined will enable us to live the lives we want.
How to be kinder to myself
Positive talk. Negative talk. The shoulds and the musts of life. While there may be right and wrong ways to live, the way we talk to ourselves impacts how we move forward. By holding on to others expectations from us, it creates a negative feeling in us and telling us that we are not enough, not making our parents proud, or consciously saying that we are a failure for not meeting their expectations, can cause serious harm to mental health.
When we say good things to ourselves such as “I can do this”, “I am enough”, “I want a different life”, or “This is what I want”, we are subconsciously telling ourselves it is okay. Whatever we hear as negative comments from other people will be blocked as our internal desire to live our lives the way we want to is stronger than outside forces.
Being kinder to ourselves starts with acknowledging that we are human. We commit mistakes. We do not have a playbook on how to overcome life’s challenges. We are the same as others out there trying to live their own lives. Once we understand these truths, we can start accepting who we are. Doing so will make us realize that we can do what we can and live our lives the way we want.
We can start telling ourselves that we are able. We can move. We can think. We can act. Whatever the outcome of those actions, we can always learn from it and change our approach. There is no need to tell ourselves negative things. Just focus on the facts, not the opinions of others, and decide if you need to make changes to what you do. Of course, we can always ask for advice. But, advice is not set in stone. And some advice becomes criticisms instead of focusing on what could be done. So, be
How to let go of expectations
The shoulds in life hurt us in a way that we sometimes do not comprehend the extent of damage to ourselves. By focusing on the shoulds, it limits us to do what we need to do in order for us to achieve what we want in life.
Shoulds stem from expectations. The expectations that we have to do certain things to become a certain person that others want. Of course, do not get me wrong, there are unbreakable shoulds in the world that makes the world go round in peace. However, the shoulds we hear from other people that sets out boundaries limits us from doing what we need to do.
The first thing we need to do to let go of expectations is to be critical of the shoulds. Ask questions if it is something that could help us accomplish what we want. By being critical, we may be able to look other solutions or approaches that would better help us achieve what we want. If we continue holding on to the shoulds, we continue to be held up by the expectations of society and the people around us.
Letting go of expectations is easier said than done. It is not an overnight success. The struggle will be there and the degree of difficulty will depend on how much we value the opinion of others.
And as I repeatedly say, if we keep living to what people expect from us, we are limited to how they see the world which is different from how we see it. Living within their boundaries can only freeze us up and the ability to move forward may not be possible.
In summary, we all must decide on our own. Block whatever negative feedback we hear from someone who may want to see their dream life as ours. The perfect life is ours to define alone, not anyone else. Be mindful of what we say to ourselves. Thinking critically will help us focus on what we need to do to get what we want. Eventually, we just realize we do not care about the expectations of others. The only thing that matters is our expectations of ourselves.
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