There was a period in my career that I felt alright, but in hindsight, it was the worst time I ever had. Looking back, some of the situations are still vivid in my memory; it is now feeling I have been manipulated multiple times. Maybe. Maybe not. But for sure, the decisions I made back then were not me as a person. I was vulnerable. I wanted to belong. I was so tired. And, in effect, I was just going with the flow and following whatever the people around me said. I even got to do things I never really wanted.
I am writing this now to provide some of my experiences to others who are just starting and who are lost in the corporate world. The question I am going to answer in this blog is, “Am I doing the things I am doing right now because it is who I am, or was I manipulated to do these?”
The Expensive Coffee
First and foremost, all of us need our dose of coffee to start our day. And in the corporate world, the choice has always been Starbucks. You order some fancy coffee with long names that make it so special compared to a tall brewed coffee or a simple cappuccino.
Before, I settled for coffee from the free vending machine in the office. It is free. No cost. Just bring your tumbler and voila, coffee dose. If it is out of coffee, I go out to the store in front of the office and buy my instant coffee for P12. Cheap cost. Still enough to start my day.
But when I moved to another company, I was introduced to Starbucks. Started with the cappuccino, then later moved to brewed, and now, my white mocha americano. P110 then. P160 now. A big jump from my zero-to-low-cost coffee. And it is all because of the people I hang out with.
They like going to Starbucks before starting the day. Coffee. Or even at break. Coffee. Instead of my 3-in-1 instant coffee, my taste buds now crave the expensive coffee. And I did this just so I can belong.
Jack Coke and Clubbing
I am a 90’s alternative rock kid. The artists that I listen to range from Eraserheads to Metallica. I know by heart the chords, the tune, and the lyrics. These are the songs I woke up to on a Saturday morning listening to NU107.
I got invited to go out on a Friday after our shift. Around midnight. Well, not really after, but Friday is a chill day, and most people go out. I joined them, not knowing where we were going. Got out of the car in front of an establishment; I could not determine where the door was. I followed my companions as they started walking toward an alley, and I started hearing the loud bass sound and fast tempo. Then the crowd of dancing ladies came into my view. Holding their drinks, dancing to the beat of the DJ, shouting “Hey! Ho!”
Not my type of crowd. I like sitting and listening to the band. Sometimes in the mosh pit when it is really heavy metal or progressive. But there I was. Faking to enjoy the music, drinking my first Jack Coke, and dancing with the ladies. Did it just to belong.
The Gossiping and Manipulative Conversations
Admittedly, I had been talking about people to other people about what I think about them. To me, it is a harmless conversation. It has been like that for many years. A group of coworkers I had talked about others just for some fun without any intention or malice in our conversation. We even talked to the person making a joke about the gossip we heard about him or her. Nothing happens. Just conversations among friends.
It changed. The conversation became purposeful. The intention was clear. The demeaning remarks and manipulative statements were present. It was warfare. A silent but deadly method we used to get ahead.
People got reprimanded. People got appreciated. People got certified. People got promoted. The ones that got the good stuff are the people we liked. The ones who don’t, well, didn’t stay for long. And our group was silently known to have been quietly controlling the movement of people in our organization.
Looking back, I became a victim of the same method we had been silently doing to others.
Can’t Stop. Just Go.
Other things happened. Things that made it feel very much like a dark place. I became a victim of the talks happening behind my back. My performance deteriorated. I even had a bit of a feeling that the bosses were talking in Hindi in front of me. I did not understand it, but the way they were talking and the subject at hand made it pretty obvious that it was me.
So I decided to leave.
Before I left, I already had a strong desire to transfer accounts. The one I was responsible for was going nowhere. Multiple issues. Multiple challenges. Multiple politics. Decision-makers fighting with each other, and I was left to clean the mess. If I were the person I was before starting, those challenges could have been resolved, and we could have made good progress. But, no. I was so affected by the different people and environment around me. It was not helping me do what I do best – solve problems.
So off I go.
And sometimes, the best course of action is to move on. In terms of career and work, we all want to progress. Get higher pay. Get promoted. Be a leader. A manager. But those do not mean a thing if it changes us. If we don’t keep true to ourselves and let the world dictate where we should go, we end up losing more. Losing ourselves. Losing our loved ones. Losing our connection to God.
To all of you who are just starting, or those who are in the middle of their careers and seeing yourselves climb up the corporate ladder, always consider this: is the cost acceptable? Am I still me if I do these things to achieve my goals, or will it make me a different person?
“Am I doing the things I am doing right now because it is who I am, or am I manipulated to do these?”
